Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me. - Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card - Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller
It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser. - Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. - Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. - Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. - Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller