We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller
It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser. - Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. - Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me. - Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card - Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. - Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. - Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. - Phyllis Diller